This time was different. I clearly heard Patty end a sentence with “French kissing”. I turned down the TV (I had cranked the volume just seconds before in hopes of drowning out their voices, so Patty was actually yelling “FRENCH KISSING!!!”...which made it even hotter.) I asked Patty to put the call on speakerphone.
Cindy’s voice flooded the room.
"You're saying there's dozens of Facebook photos of your kid and his girlfriend making out? Ewww...”
“Dozens. Maybe hundreds. If the photos of them slobbering all over each other weren’t enough to make a mom cringe, get this: there's a bunch of pictures of them kissing the dog. And each other, while they're kissing the dog.”
Cindy: “You're lying. The dog? Really? They’re kissing the dog?”
Patty: "Yep. Kissing. The Dog."
Me: “On the dog's lips?”
I asked Patty to take the call off speakerphone. She would not.
Patty said, “Well, they say dogs have cleaner mouths than humans do.”
Cindy: “There’s no way a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human mouth. Look at the shit they eat.”
Me: “You mean like shit?”
The who’s-got-a-filthier-mouth debate between the gals almost became heated. I couldn’t understand why. Unless they were kicking around the idea of taking turns swapping spit with an Irish Setter (which, for reasons that unsettled me, seemed just a little sexy), did it really matter who won the argument?
From where I sit, I don’t care if a dog’s mouth is as sterile as an operating theater; there’s no good reason for me to probe it with my tongue, unless of course there's some way to get a buzz from the spit. Besides, sure as shit, I’d end up kissing the dog that tucked into a decomposing squirrel or well-filled diaper five minutes pre-kiss. It’s just not worth it, no matter how cute the dog—or how strong the temptation.
Still, I Googled. I needed to know.
Turns out, both dogs and humans have disgusting mouths—cesspools, really. We shouldn’t kiss dogs but, it turns out, we really shouldn’t kiss each other, either.
As I researched a conclusive answer to this debate, I also learned:
- With a little elbow grease and the right products, one can remove poop from wood floors, carpets, walls, ceilings and mattresses
- People everywhere find countless varieties of “unknown” poop in their homes
- Insurance companies will sometimes pay a claim if you have a poop explosion in your house
- One should not eat poop (of any variety)
- Parents aren't fond of pictures of their kids making out with pets, or each other
- Poop sticks to parakeets’ feet