Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Those with Enlarged Genitals Need Not Apply

At some point during childhood, hasn’t every boy entertained a dream of becoming a police officer? Well, on the island of Papua, a starry-eyed dreamer can only become a defender of justice if he resists the not-uncommon urge to modify his penis into an absurdly oversized, bloated and painful monster.

It’s even in the job interview.

“Good morning, and thanks for coming in. Wow, your scores at the Academy are off the charts. You look like you’d be a fine protector of what’s right and just.”

“Thank you, sir. I did my best to stand out.”

“Very good. And that brings me to my first question—purely routine, but they insist on it upstairs. Been messing with that penis at all?”

“Come again?”

“Have you been working on enhancing your, er, little fella?”


“It’s a simple question, son. Have you wrapped your pecker in gatal-gatal leaves? Made it all inflamed and puffy to impress the ladies and intimidate the boys in the change room?”

“But sir…”

“ANSWER the question!”

One wrong answer…"Oh, I guess I might have wrapped it in a leaf or two, but just the one time"...and the dream dies.

Much of Papua is governed by various tribes who for many years have sought independence from both the official bureaucracy and the constraints of what the good lord gave them. The more sensible recruits stay away from the leaves of the gatal-gatal (or “itchy”) tree, which apparently makes one’s member look as though it has been stung by a swarm of bees, and instead sport a koteka—or, for the less culturally evolved, the common penis gourd. It’s fancy, more than a little impressive (available in various sizes, shapes and angles) and doesn’t lead to hours of wailing and screaming.

What’s more, if you remember to leave your gourd at home on interview day, you may just become a Papuan boy in blue one day.

NOTE (for the gents, and the gals who love them): I checked. Apparently, gatal-gatal leaves are not readily available in North America. Dammmmmmmmmmmmiiiiittttttt! However, you can order five-packs of koteka gourd seeds from Amazon for $3.99. Only five more packs are in stock (actually, four, now), so don’t delay.


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