If bonobo monkeys share 98.7% of our DNA, it must be that other 1.3% that males of the human species covet above all others. Tucked away amid those few sparse strands, next to the primal urge to sling feces hither and yon, must be the ever-elusive and much-coveted Random Blow Job Gene.
If you're a monkey, and you're reading this, know this: I despise you.
It’s no secret that it takes little more than a wry wink to lure a bonobo out of one of your better monkey bars and into the alley for a lightning round of drop-and-polish. Females and boy-nobos alike get in on the act; apparently, to them, monkey balls are gummi bears.
“Heeeeeeey sailor. Is that a plantain under your fur? Whoo-whoo-whoo!”
Now, I’m no expert on primate society, but I have to think your average bonobo is a world-class expert at hiding boredom—and why not? One ill-timed yawn and they find themselves stuffed from gums to gullet in monkey junk. It’s crazy, for sure, but nobody can say bonobos don’t know how to throw a party.
Generally, humans aren’t as open to this. I’ve yet to meet a husband who can walk up to his wife while she’s watching a home improvement show and, without even waiting for a commercial break, unceremoniously go to town on her face. If such a man exists, it’s a safe bet his member gives off the distinctive aroma of high-quality Belgian chocolate; either that, or he’s just cleaned the house, put the kids to bed, given his wife a foot massage and slipped something into each of her last three glasses of Chardonnay.
So, needless to say, I was a tad bitter this morning when I read that bonobos aren’t the only ones marching merrily up to the gloryhole. Apparently, one variety of fruit bat is taking oral artistry to a higher plain.
If you're a bat, and you're reading this, know this: I hate you even more.
Male members of the genus Cynopterus Sphinx (I defy you to find a better porn name), a short-nosed fruit bat, routinely receive a very special form of attention from not one, but many, females. This, to most men, would be enough reason to resent evolution. But there’s more.
While performing dorsoventral copulation (where dorsoventral means “extending from the dorsal to the ventral side”…a position that seems ridiculously ambitious), the female performs continuous oral sex on the exposed portion of the male member that isn’t already absurdly content.
And, dammit, there’s still more.
Apparently, the reason the female does this (because altruism, it would seem, isn’t reason enough) is that it's the only way to keep the male interested in sex. Excuse me?
I guess these bat-babes are willing to perform this most amazing sort of service because, if they didn’t, the male bat would just give up and go do whatever bats do when they’re not on the receiving end of sex acts most of us wouldn’t even know how to pay for.
Fucking bats. Fucking bonobos. Fucking Darwin. I hate you all more than ever.