Monday, October 5, 2009

Food for thought

I read this morning about a certain television celebrity who is taking her husband, another TV celeb, to court because he allegedly drained their bank account of $230,000, leaving her with only $1,200 to raise their eight kids.

My first thought was, "Wow, what would it be like to have that much in my bank account?" My second was, "Oh my God, how will she ever find a way to survive, toiling in obscurity as she is? What's she going to do? Work at a fast food joint?"

Good question. Apparently, this celebrity has said that, if necessary, she'd flip burgers for a certain fast-food chain that has, based on my admittedly suspect research, served as many people as have ever lived on this planet. I wonder--has she filled in an application yet?

I also wonder--why do people continue to watch this ongoing train wreck?

I don't even want to be ridiculously wealthy if that's what fame and fortune do to people. Okay, I'm lying. I want to be stinking rich, just to see what kind of class-A asshole I become. I'm only at class C so far, but I'm pushing hard for a "B" rating and have glorious ambitions.

To be fair, I'd be a bit miffed if Patty were to drain our account of nearly a quarter of a million dollars--not because she'd taken it, because she presumably would have some good use for it, but because the bank fees on an overdraft of this magnitude would be, I would guess, somewhat crippling. I know I wouldn't be the one answering the call from the bank.

"For the love of God, don't answer the phone!"

Still, I'm curious. Would I really be upset? There's only one real way to prove this, and I'm willing to be your guinea pig, no matter how painful I find the experience. You're welcome.

Consider this an open call for 230 of my closest friends (another challenge, since only about a dozen people really like me) to send me $1,000 each. If you would like to send more, please feel free; I'm not going to pillory you for your altruism. This experiment will work just as well, I'd imagine, with half a million dollars. If it doesn't, I'll take out full-page ads in several major newspapers with the headline, "Who knew?"

If you send a huge check, I will cash it...I promise. When all the funds are there, I will pass over a shiny new ATM card to Patty and encourage her to go to town. If she has trouble spending it all, I will even help her, because she's the love of my life and that's what loving spouses do.

I will post the outcomes here.

What do you think?


1 comment:

  1. Not sure if I want to part with a grand. I imagine your wife would be able to do the spending all on her own.
    I have no idea why anyone cares about these highly dysfunctional people. The fact that the Today Show routinely interviews them is starting to make me never want to watch the Today Show ever again.


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