Monday, October 19, 2009

The Next Reality TV Star?

This morning, as I sat smoking in bed, watching a giant Jiffy-Pop-balloon launch what, in the next month or so, should be yet another stupid-ass career in reality television, I thought to myself (my powers of mind control are still developing, so I can't yet "think to others"): What can I, a humble, overweight and neurotic suburban dad, do to cut myself in on a little of this action?

What qualities or circumstances of my life are interesting enough (or easy enough to manufacture) to catch the eyes and wallets of the network powers-that-be? Well, you just try these on for size:

Paranormal Inactivity
A family sits around their home, doing nothing, while nothing happens to make them do anything. Lights don't flash on and off, because they're always left on, which makes the father complain incessantly--blah-blah-electric-bill-this, blah-blah-no-money-for-college-that. OOOOooooo...the kids are SO scared!

The deep groans and grumbles through the air vents as the family tries to sleep are not supernatural; no, the family is just tormented by the ghost of the dishwasher the father has promised to fix for several months. He fears a sudden death, a little, but not enough to get up to defend himself.

Late at night, while the husband sputters and spurts through yet another chilling round of sleep apnea, the mother stands at the edge of the bed. She stays there, motionless, for hours, wondering why on earth, in a world sick with pyjama choices, he continues to insist on sleeping naked.

She turns sharply when she hears a whirring sound behind her. She sighs, and then turns off the video camera the Naked One set up in hopes of capturing some homemade porn with himself as the male lead. Like that's ever gonna happen.

The Big-Ass Loser
A father sits around the house, doing nothing, while nothing happens to make him do anything. His wife comes into the room, and announces, "Did you notice that I cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the family room and did all the laundry while you just sat around doing nothing?"

To which the father replies, "I guess that's why I've been waiting five minutes for a beer." The husband winks at the camera, and the laugh track is triggered.

As the culminating moment in every episode, the wife says, "Go f**k yourself, you..." Wait for it... "You Big-Ass Loser!"

Spouse Swap
Two husbands, who mostly sit around the house doing nothing while nothing makes them do anything, suggest swapping wives to spice up their marriages. They call out to their wives. The answer is no.

I could come up with others; it's not like I'm doing anything. Any takers?


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