Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Holy Bloodsucking Babies!

Oh fine, I'll admit it: I am a filthy, shameless, oh-yes-slide-it-in-my-DVD-player Rotten Tomatoes-loving nickel-whore.

As I lustfully devour the listings of this, the film lover's Shangri-la, I rejoice in the discovery of a great new film with an intensity most achieve online only with underwear at mid-calf and an economy-sized tube of something slippery yet water-soluble close at crotch.

At least eight times a day, and often more, I search ravenously for that next great flick, one that will shove me out of my funk, grab my head with authority and fairly scream, "Bury yourself in me, you dirty celluloid slut!"

In short, I like a good movie.

For the most part, I'm a complete and insufferable film snob. As a consequence, I am, bar none, the most hated person in our home (a distinction I reinforce each time I comment on one of the kids' Facebook pictures, or if I dare say no to anything). More than once, I've heard, "Brian, I can't hear the movie over tssk-huh-what-tssk," or, sometimes, "Mom, will I be grounded if I shoot Dad in the face?"

I rarely rent a movie unless Rotten Tomatoes gives it a rating of 80 percent or better. And that's just the first litmus test. In addition to a high score, reviewers must heap upon the film the most glowing of praise--something along the lines of, "During the opening credits, I jizzed," or, "It was like discovering my clitoris all over again."

The kids often suggest movies. That's so cute. Nope.

So, yes, I'm a selfish dick, and I'm okay with that. Along the way, I've seen some great films. Some of my favorites include The Vanishing (it MUST be the foreign original), Fargo, Pan's Labyrinth, Pulp Fiction, Finding Neverland, Billy Elliot and Requiem for a Dream. The best movie of all time is, without question, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, which makes me jizz figuratively at its mere mention. Just give me a second to grab a figurative towel.

Some well-reviewed films turn out to be, for me, total duds. Perhaps the most noteworthy of late was Gran Torino. I liked nothing about the film, except maybe the car and some of the sunlight. I catch a lot of shit for this opinion--a LOT. Whatever. I think the only person who didn't threaten to harm me was the person to whom I gave the very gently used Blu-ray on the day I unwrapped it. You're quite welcome.

So I'm pretty selective (and more than a tad asshole-ish) about what I'll watch. But I do have one considerable chink in my movie-choosing armor:

Amateur mature foot fetish porn.

I'm kidding. Like that would be a weakness.

No, I really love a good horror/suspense movie. I also like more than my share of bad ones...and that's okay. I'm a huge fan of Eden Lake, The Ring, Descent, The Devil's Backbone, Joy Ride and Paranormal Activity. I've found I can suspend disbelief beyond what most would call reason if the film makes its mission to cause me to poop myself just a little.

So, this past weekend, I was quite excited to screen the movie Grace which, the last I checked, received a 71% rating which, in the realm of horror-film reviews, is basically the same as an Academy Award. After watching the whole movie--which was difficult over Patty's constant commentary, "Are you kidding? Brian, really...are you fucking kidding?"--I had to admit the movie didn't top any of my lists. It just didn't have that certain umph to broaden the chinks in my armor, and left me utterly unsoiled.

A quick synopsis (and spoiler alert, if you want to call it that):

(a) mom loses husband and unborn baby in car accident; (b) mom carries dead baby to term; (c) mom surprises midwife and former gay lover by nursing dead baby back to life; (d) mom buys fly strips to keep clouds of flies off baby; (e) mom discovers baby needs blood, not milk, to thrive; (f) mother-in-law, missing dead son, forces husband to suckle her fatty breasts (eww); (g) mom kills mother-in-law's family doctor after he pumps milk with a strange apparatus and diagnoses baby as sick from baby monitor; (h) mother-in-law kills mother as mother in turn kills mother-in-law; (i) former lover-midwife leaves in RV with baby on Midwest killing-slash-feeding spree.

Don't get me wrong. I like a good ambiguously-gay-vegan-overprotective-to-the-point-of-murder-mom-and-bloodsucking-baby-film as much as the next guy. Just not this one.

Back to Rotten Tomatoes. Hmmm...Messiah of Evil sounds kinda promising.



  1. You might also like the often hilarious horror flick (directed by Sam Rami) that was just released on DVD, "Drag Me to Hell." It has a 92% positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes, a site I constantly check as well:


    Agree with you about "The RIng." Just watched the DVD, and loved it!

  2. Funny post. Really enjoyed this! Fargo and Pulp Fiction are two of my favorites. What did you think of Reservoir Dogs?

  3. I loved it. There just aren't enough movies out there with ear-amputation scenes in them. Sigh....

  4. Loved your blog! Hate horror movies. My life is scary enough that I can't bring myself to pay someone to scare me more. As a horror-movie-celibate, can you please explain to me why someone would ENJOY that??? I'm guessing it makes your life look BETTER, or at least normal in contrast? :) Just wondering. Anyway, kudo's on the great blog!

  5. the ring was scaryy! the ring 2 was scary when the girl was climbing up the well...he legs were climbing over her shoulders! YUCKKKKK!!!!

    and the messenger...have you seen that? I havent watched it all...the music scares me a lotttttt.

    hmm i like this blog :D

  6. i will read more often. its funny lol

  7. A relatively unknown but unbelievably fantastic movie is "Legend of 1900." It was an Indy film and critics hated it (which is why I watched it). I've never had anyone return my copy without saying it was the best film they've ever seen. Not QUITE as good as finding my clitoris again, but ALMOST...

  8. I could be another to give you ample amounts of crap for not liking Gran Torino, but I'd like to think I'm better than that. (I'm certainly better than Eastwood's acting skills lately. Does he have to growl when he's eating soup? Fuck...)

    Anyways, I'm glad someone else likes the "bad" horror movie genre. Leprechaun: Back 2 Da Hood changed my life. But I find I can only enjoy these if I balance them out with a "good" horror movie shortly thereafter. For instance, I recently chased Saw V with Quarantine (a highly underrated remake which only got a 59% at Rotten Tomatoes...). Do you feel the need to balance the bad-good with the good-good as well?


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