Highbrow eyebrows

Every time I look in the mirror, I find some other reason to feel I'm the road upon which the cruel march of time is stomping relentlessly. The size-thirteen crows' feet on either side of my face (a genetic gift from my mother) gather in and point accusingly at the ample, drooping fanny-packs under my eyes. I've thought about jabbing a pin in one, just to see if it would deflate, or if candy would spill out, but a little voice keeps telling me this may be a bad idea.

It's not pretty.

Were this not enough to fill me with angst, a newer, distressing phenomenon is adding insult (upon insult) to injury. As you can see in the photo, my eyebrows are, quite simply, out of control. They look like one of those overcrowded road signs that point to hundreds of faraway towns (Marakesh: 2,800 miles; Loserville: You are Here).

Left to their own devices, I presume these hairs would simply grow, and wind, and grow again, until they would shroud my eyes like a freakish pair of frameless sunglasses.

Every time I visit my personal stylist's (a fancier way of saying "GreatClips"), I'm forced to swallow my pride, point to the horror show and ask, "Is there anything...anything...you can do about THAT?" I then carefully watch to ensure the unfortunate stylist who called my name is not mortified, or nauseous, or preparing to flee. Most are kind enough to comfort me with, "Oh, that's no problem. It happens a lot with our older customers." Thanks.

I felt a ray of hope this afternoon when I read about "guybrow" nights being held in upscale British salons, in response to demand from others, like me, who are hirsute where they shouldn't be. Apparently, for a reasonable fee, some brave soul will do battle with these stray wires and, as if by magic, transform my "Neanderthal unibrow" into a "sexy, James-Bond-style arch."

I have to admit...I'm tempted, especially since similar hairs seem to be sprouting from my earlobes. Still, since I can't afford a monthly foray to Britain to maintain a double-o-seven arch, my mirror time for the immediate future is sure to leave me both shaken and stirred.